Even If You Don’t

I love so much that I avoid meeting people altogether because I guess I’m worried that somebody may fall
in love with me, or me, with them.
I hate that it never feels mutual, and dating feels like an unfair game with no defined end.
I usually just want to be friends, or i’m only succumb to some animal instinct, regretfully.
When I do happen to find for certain that I am able to, and do love
completely and in every way
Who wants nothing to do with me
I’m either too late or, it was never there in the first place.
I wonder, If must I love
just from a distance, if
in love and alone is still love
in our own special way?
With no expectations, is it wrong that I hopelessly wait?
I love you so much that the pain makes me gay
Like a torture I can’t wait to take
when creeping sirens i’m unable to feign notice, overwhelmed with an image of your smiling porclain.
And I can’t turn it away
The passing scent of familiar shampoo sends me through a fugue state.
As a curse is how I’ve been stricken with echoes and memories of you through my bleak, ever longing days.
I fear that I’m being maddened for love by a cosmic irony as some cruel punishment for my boyish mistakes
Sentenced to loneliness, loving you in a completely separate mind state
’till I’m just a costly carpet stain.
But I still love thinking how you’re the only one I’d want at my wake.
I’m so terrified that I would scare you away.